I’m up to 25 situps and 20 pushups. Nowhere near 100 consecutive but it’s a start. Considering the weight I’m still pushing I’ll challenge you skinny folk to do it in a weighted vest. (Seriously, pushups are fucking brutal)

I’m still maintaining my fitness goals for the year on top of the resolutions – so far so good. The diet, not so much – I’m doing alright calorie wise but the carbs just keep entering my face. I’ve cut way back but not down to the 20 or so a day that I need to be consuming to make this diet thing work.

The biggest side effect of no carbs is no energy – my body after three days becomes lethargic and angry. My reflexes are slower, I’m short tempered, and I don’t sleep as well (though I never really sleep well so I can’t blame the lack of carbs on that) as I should.

I’m up to three sessions a week of personal training – Monday is flexibility lady (stories on her to come), and Tuesday / Thursday are boxing coach. (25 minute workout, 20 minutes in the ring type thing)

So, one month gone in 2012 and I’m tracking with goals and resolutions.

Need to focus a little more on work/life balance and creating a social circle here but in the mean time we’ll get some hobbies going and keep up the fitness.

It was a simple statement:

“I will not be running tonight”

Do you realize how much of a light year away that statement is from the previous statements:

“I can’t run a mile”
“I wish I could walk a mile without being winded”
“I’m really ok with how I look and feel, if I’m gonna die – might as well be young, fat, and happy”

I will not be running tonight because I’ve done my miles the past few days and had 4 hours of gym/trainer/boxing/running already – tonight I truly feel I deserve a break and a recovery day.

If I wasn’t sore on every inch of my body my tear duct might shed a tear of happiness.

This is my resonator. It’s a Recording King; brass body, nickel plated, tri-cone design.

[Show as slideshow]

This is for one of my 2012 resolutions.

I’ve got it tuned to an open G so that I can play some music like this (by January next year I want to be able to play this song).

I got a great deal on it from a local guitar shop and I’ll be starting lessons in a few weeks. I’m hoping to get back to Georgia and North Carolina around the end of the year, I’ve got a few guys I’d love to pick with back home.

Historically it’s always been things like “lose fifty pounds”, “travel to Amsterdam”, “go on a national ad campaign against bald vagina” – you know – the usual crap people say they’re going to do while they’re drunk on New Years eve trying to find someone to sex up kiss at midnight.

So as I mentioned up in paragraph one the theme this year will be to resolve to do/be five things I’ve always wanted to do/be.

In no particular order they are as follows:

1) Learn to ride a horse
2) Learn to ride a motorcycle
3) Learn to play the blues guitar
4) 100 sit-ups / 100 push-ups without dying
5) Go to Vegas and take $1,000 gambling money

Allow me to break it down further

Learn to Ride a Horse: It’s not just about riding but about caring for and learning how to gear up the animal. It’s my goal later in life (assuming the Mayans are full of shit) to own a couple of horses. I love them and all of the riding I did as a kid (and the trail rides as adults) have engraved in me the desire to own a couple of nice horses. No time like the present (or spring time out here) to learn how to handle the beasts before I drop the cash on them later in life.

Learn to Ride a Motorcycle: I had a dirt bike as a kid.  It was a Yamaha YZ-80 and it was a blast. I grew up around motorcycles and quads and I’m now ready to own one. I’ve been looking at them since I was 25 but kept saying I need to be older, I need to understand better my sense of  mortality, and more stable financially. I’ve done my research, I know which one(s) I want, and I’m ready to make the leap. So I’m looking for the bike(s) I want in this area and sometime this year will have one.

Learn to Play Blues Guitar: I’ve always wanted to play guitar but never really wanted to dedicate myself to the time it would take to do it right. A few years ago I really started really getting into that Delta Blues sound and fell in love with the resonator style guitars. It’s a tinny sound but with warmth and it seems like it was made for the slide. Since I have very little social life out here outside the gym/work I’ve decided that I’ll be signing up for lessons and picking up a resonator to get my Delta Blues on. (Lord knows I’ve accumulated enough to sing about over the years)

100 Sit-ups / 100 Push-ups: This is a fitness goal. I struggle with the basic core exercises so I’ve been focusing most of my training on core, speed, agility, flexibility, and cardio. The pinnacle for me would be to hit my goal weight but the flag on it would be able to do 100 sit-ups and then 100 push-ups. (Followed by a 10 minute mile or less and I’ll change my name to Thor or something)

Vegas With a Little Cash: Likely the easiest of the resolutions. I’ve never been to Las Vegas. I’ve never gambled more than about $25 (mostly on nickle slots). I want to take a chunk of money and head off to sin city to see what I can do with it. I’ve started my Vegas fund and am targeting sometime in December for the trip. Since December is my birthday month and likely when the world will implode I best do it in early December.

So these are the things I resolve to do this year. I’ll figure out things like “sleep more than 3 hours a night”, “work less than 10 hours a day”, “lose the 50 lbs I want to lose”, and “buy a house” for years the Mayan people haven’t cursed (or run out of stone calendar making material).

I watched what she did to this 6’5″ bulked up dude and he told me I was going to hurt for days after.

I don’t have days to hurt…

I meet with her on Monday and my strength trainer on Tuesday/Thursday

I have Wednesday/Friday boxing/kickboxing class.

She wants me to work Pilates and Yoga in there, but not for a few weeks. My range of motion isn’t that great yet and I have about as much flexibility as someone with rigor mortis and an erection (which is to say I’m pretty stiff)

Anyway, the new gym has a hot tub (24 hour), lap pool (24 hour), sauna (24 hour), and a ton of new classes. Pretty excited to be able to vary my workout routine with some stuff I actually like (swimming, sitting my fat ass in a hot tub, and steaming like a clam) with the stuff that’s not much fun (cleans, benching, squats, and m’fukin kettle bells).

Ah well, my goal for the year is well on the way to being reached if I don’t kill myself trying to do the “Flying Dog Sniffs the Mailman” pose (or whatever they do in yoga).

No Carbs

2 Training sessions per week (Tues/Thurs)

3 other days in the gym (1-2 hours)

5 days of running (only a mile, thank God)

So by mid March if I’m not dead from lack of cupcakes, Oreo’s, sweet tea, fried anything… I should be in much better shape than I’m in now.

I was told by my trainer today that the first three days of carb elimination are the hardest on the body. I’d be moody, irritable, sluggish, and mentally cloudy until my body understands that it has to use alternate sources of energy to fuel up on.

…so today, I’ve eaten ham. Just ham. No bread. Ham.

I’m going to go run before the snow gets here (if it gets here.. I’m thinking not) and possibly hit the gym if I can shake the headache. If not, I’ll go before work tomorrow.

If I’m not rocking a Dick-V^[1] by March I may have to kill someone.

^[1]Dick-V – What this dude has. I was also told cocaine would do the trick… I think I’ll hold off on that one though.

I reckoned that while living in Atlanta was alright it simply wasn’t what I wanted nor was it where I was supposed to be. The wanderlust had set in and everything in my life felt very stale and rather much like going through motions. I started to neglect my friends and family in an angry and self loathing state. Soon that self loathing morphed into simply loathing and the metamorphosis completed when apathy ruled my heart.

I left and had hoped there would be no second guessing to this action. It was for a just reason (career) and a selfish reason (to get the fuck out of the little slice of Hell I’d created). I boarded the plane with a faint mix of emotion and set off to become a resident of the Pacific Northwest.

To get to the point, since all of that is documented history, five months into this journey the apathy rolled off like the morning fog on a river back home. (The damnable fog here never rolls out) I’ve taken a vested interest in the feelings of my friends again the way a friend ought to. Feelings matter again, keeping friendships strong matter again, and I’m trying to undo some of the damage I’ve done.

I’ve started to notice some things that break my heart – there is an overall sadness in the hearts of people I know. It seems that all at once we’re at a stage in life that we simply don’t know what the fuck we’re supposed to be doing. This general sense of confusion is like a vampire feeding on the happiness of my friends and family.

Do we get married… do we have kids…. do we try and fight a little longer to make this matter.. does this matter… how do I cope with the loss… how am I even ready for parenthood… I can’t find work… work is killing me… does she still love me… is it too late to say and do the right things… does distance matter… this town is too small… this city is too big… why am I still single…

… on and on it goes.

The sea of discontent and sadness seems to have many stranded people hanging on for dear life on pieces of ships they once sailed into what they thought was the right direction. The wind was good, the heading was true, and the seas were calm. They were the captain with a good navigator or a good navigator to a benevolent Captain.

It’s been said that once you hit 30 your life changes in ways you’re never prepared for. You begin to lose loved ones in so many ways, death, divorce, and disinterest (to name a few). You start to realize that all those things you wanted for yourself as a kid, all of those grandiose dreams you dared dream in youth have simply not (and likely will not) turn out.

It’s not to say that life is all bad or that at 30 you should simply end it all, it is to say that there is a period in life where you begin to change and evolve. You finally have enough years on you to start putting things in perspective on a scale your brain couldn’t fathom before. It’s scary.

At this age I wanted to be married, a few kids, a home, a good job that I enjoyed, and a tight knit social circle.  Again, none of that is new to anyone but I realize now some of the mistakes I made earlier in life were because I had this goal. I told myself “At 32 I will…” and (being the planner I am) tied a lot of decisions based on that self imposed deadline.

Seems I’m not the only one which means regrettably I’m not the only one who has to suffer from some of those mistakes made in youth.

So I’ve got some advice for the people in my life given to me long ago in a time when I didn’t fully appreciate the gravity of it.

Fight for what’s worth fighting for. Love those who are worthy of your love. Let go of the things that simply don’t matter. Happiness is really a choice.

I struggle with that. All of it, truth be told. I can count off a list of things that I let go simply because I was disinterested or too tired to fight. I’m guilty of loving people who were users or just wanted that “in love” sensation only to move on. I hold on to just about everything and hold on to it for a long time. Happiness is never a choice for me – I tend to let it be a reaction to an event not an overall frame of mind.

I’m noticing a lot of people not taking that advice either. It’s like something has sucked the fight from our collective spirits, the love is misguided, too many little things matter, and happiness is an evasive spirit that manifests only when we have a moment of triumph, passion, or the best of news crosses our eyes/ears.

Part of me wonders as a member spawned from the selfish generation that grew up on video games, computers, microwaves, and fast food if we really know how to give life the kind of meaning the soul really cries out for. It’s not like the baby boomers or their offspring have been shining examples on how to live for others, love others, and how to fight through the ups and downs of life and come out on top.

So we are destined to figure it out or continue the peaks and valleys of apathy, living behind keyboards and monitors, and tormenting ourselves with thought patterns like this one.

To my friends near, to my friends far, to my friends that no longer claim friendship, and the friends I don’t yet have – I will repeat the advice given to me as a youth in hopes that if we all focus on it we will all realize what’s important and support one another.

Fight for what’s worth fighting for. Love those who are worthy of your love. Let go of the things that simply don’t matter. Happiness is really a choice.

My birthday is Wednesday. I’ll be 32. That, however, is not what this post is about, simply a timeframe to reference while I talk a little bit about my Grandmother.

She was there the day I was born. I was nearly two months early. She was there to rescue me from a situation no child should be in, twice. She’s loved me as if I were her own child every single day of my life.

She’s 73 now. Her health is declining at a rapid pace and I’m powerless to stop it.

She loved me enough to adopt me when I was an emotionally fucked up teenager so I could get Army benefits and help put me though college. She’s my biggest fan and most devout defender.

She’s gotten to the point where it hurts to move, she needs help getting around, she can’t stand for more than a moment or two. She’s using a walker and isn’t ever comfortable sitting/laying down. Her quality of life seems to get less and less with each passing week.

Her love and devotion have pulled me out of some dark places, tough times, stupid decisions, and bad luck. In a word she’s been my constant in life.

As I age and begin to see my loved ones pass on I can’t help but to feel vulnerable. They’re all I’ve ever known yet Father Time doesn’t seem to give a shit about that. Pretty fucking inconsiderate if you ask me.

I try to imagine life without that love and support and my brain just freezes. I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to. I don’t want to think about Christmas at some other house, stories about growing up from a time that’s long since gone, or having someone who can talk to me about my Grandad (whom we both miss dearly) with.

Don’t get me wrong – I believe we’re called home when it’s time. I’m not saying I expect to wake up tomorrow and find her gone. She’s a tough old broad and I don’t think she’s got an ounce “give up” in her. The years seem to be melting away faster than my brain can keep up with when I come home.

Funny how your time can create these dimensions where days can feel never ending and years can feel like seconds. So I sit here at nearly 3:00am trying to figure it all out. It’s futile and I know that. As they say down here “Lord willing and the creek don’t rise..” I’ll fall asleep soon and wake up to her sitting in the kitchen drinking her coffee and puffing on her cigarette. She’ll aggravate the piss out of me trying to get me to eat something, drink something, and not to run so fast. She’ll have me running my ass off doing random things like fetching smokes, moving water glasses, and turning off fans because she’s freezing (while I’m melting).

We’ll talk about life a little, talk about my love life, catch up on the gossip from the mountains, and talk about her trip out to Oregon to see me.

I hold on to those times and treat them as special because I know there will be a day I won’t be able to make any more of those memories. The very thought of that sums up the real reason it sucks turning into an adult.

So yesterday was a fuckfest of sleeping habits.

I slept until 1:00pm

I took “a nap” at 5:00pm

I woke up around 12:15am…

..never got back to sleep last night.

So, I’m off to the gym. My trainer agreed to meet me early today since I’m going to be a zombie after work, I’m going to get in a few rounds in the ring and some free weights before I start my weekly tour in the gray cube hell that is my office building.

(Love the job – hate the cube farm)

What’s the first thing I did? Eat cookies. Drink Dr. Pepper. Give up. Say “Fuck it, I’m going to be fat forever, it’s who I am.. if I die at 50 from a heart attack then so be it, nothing I can do about it anyway”.

After a few days of doing my best Eeyore impression, I snapped out of that shit with a fury.

I started hitting the gym hard. I started watching what I put in my body. I started writing down everything that went in my mouth – food, drink, sauces, etc.. I carry two notebooks around with me now. (I’m “that guy”).

I am fortunate enough (in one sense) not to be married or have kids and have a fairly stable job. It’s a constant source of stress (on all counts) but also means I have enough disposable income to hire a personal trainer – which I have done.

Last week kicked my ass in so many ways. The downs of the scale to the workouts that touch an intensity level I didn’t know I had in me.

The scale was not my enemy today.

257

That’s 4 lbs gone since the beginning of last week.

What’s better? I did at mile in 15:07 today. That’s the fastest mile I’ve done in my life, to include the PT tests in high school.

I started Jan 2, 2011 at 301 lbs.

I hoped to be down to 190 lbs by Jan 2, 2012 … I’m not even going to be close to that. My new goal is to be at 247, back where I was when I moved to Portland. That’s 10 lbs in just under a month. That’s competing with Christmas, travel, my birthday, and New Years.

I’ve got my PT planned out over the next few weeks before the real test starts – can I keep it up while I’m away from my gym staying with friends, family, and at hotels.

I’ve cancelled my car rental in Atlanta. I’ll be doing “road work” each day to and from work.

So I can look back and say “301 to 257 in less than a year.. .not bad” and be happy for about 30 seconds… but that’s all I can be happy about. I’m so far off my 190 mark that I feel like I totally failed…. but that too is short lived.

It’s all about determination and choice – it always has been. Here’s to another 45+ lbs gone next year.

Cheers.

I usually don’t put much stock into it as a holiday with purpose. Back in the 4th grade I got to play Chief Massasoit and eat fake dinner with 4th grade Pilgrims for the school play.

It’s usually a time to spend with family (sometimes mine, sometimes not mine) and celebrate the fact that I can cook like a demon and make awesome grub. Sure, we tell stories, catch up, remember the old days, and make plans to see each other more often that never quite seem to pan out but there is always the sense of dread that the chaos stresses me out beyond belief, it’s not my kitchen, not my knives, strive for perfection, and to put on a better meal than the year before.

This year I had no intentions of going home. I told myself “Whatever, I’ll go into work and take a comp day around my birthday”.  I turned down Las Vegas with friends because I didn’t have the time off I wanted to do the fun stuff they were doing nor did I have the cash flow when they were booking – but I got a bonus at work. Just enough to cover the fare of a last minute Thanksgiving ticket back east.

Nobody knows I’m coming (except a few people who have to get me from the airport, etc.) so it’ll largely be a surprise.

If I could put into words how much my heart has been hurting over the last few weeks I’m positive I could fill several volumes. It’s been pretty bad. It finally broke me a few days ago and so I decided I had to go home. I need to be around people – not just random bar people here – but people that love me, people that can make me smile, and people that are proud of me.

Maybe that’s daft for a 31 year old professional man to need that but I’ll happily take that title because it’s exactly what I need right now.

I need that comfort.

I need that familiar.

I need my heart to be lifted and to be reminded of joy and laughter.

I snapped a shot that metaphors the familiar and comfort, I noticed the gear sitting in the corner as I was running around doing laundry and cleaning up.

I’ve likely put 500 miles on those old boots and that pack has traveled the world three times with me.  They’re comfortable things, familiar things. They’re as much a part of my travels as the actual destination or experiences. I always throw them in the corner before a trip, just out of habit.  You’ll find my keys in one of the boots so I don’t have to search for those either.

When it caught my attention tonight I had to smile – I’m going home…

So this year on Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my friends, family, joyful hearts, old boots, and hiking pack.

• It’s recommended men wear tights under running shorts here to stay warm
• Tights are about $50 a pair
• Tights come in Black or White
• Tights all in the “Compression Clothing” category
• You have to be commando so that the compression works
• They make my package resemble Bowie’s in “Labyrinth”
• They also make my legs look good where they stick out from the shorts
• See also – my package looks epic. (Contain your excitement internets, there shall be no pictures)
• They make my feet look really, really big though. (We’ve established I have skis / hobbit feet already – this makes me look like I’m in clown shoes)
• Last reference to my package… aww yeah..
• They’re hotter than blue jeans by a damn sight
• They’re hard to get off
• John Wayne never wore tights
• John Wayne never went for a run

Maker's Mark and a Savinelli pipe

Anybody that knows me knows I don’t sleep. Well, not like a normal person anyway.  When I’m stressed out I average about three hours a night. I’m not sure what keeps me going for five days straight but I do know that’s about my limit. When I have a week (or two…or three…) I can almost guarantee that my Saturday will consist of sleeping until 3:00pm or so. That fuels my all nighter for Saturday, then Sunday – same thing. Usually if I get bored between 3:00 – 7:00 I’ll end up taking a nap for a few hours. It’s like my body tries to just catch up from the week(s) before.  Painful in the sense that it never works.

On nights like this, after a particularly rough stretch at work, I let myself indulge in a few of my vices.  In order they’re sex, bourbon, & my pipe. If I were to let my guard down I fear I’d be hopelessly addicted to all three, so moderation is the key for me (at least for bourbon and tobacco). I get the same sensation after sex as I do from a few shots of whiskey and a drag of some top shelf tobacco – it’s like all my stress finds a way to leave for a while and I’m at peace with my soul.

Doesn’t last all that long but damned if those moments aren’t moments worth living for.

So tonight, after a few very hard weeks at work and a total of about 6 hours of sleep this week, I think it’s time to feel that little moment in time that puts my soul and body at ease. I’ve got about three shots of bourbon and a nice mellow blend of American tobaccos. I’m thinking I’ll queue up some quiet but powerful music, get the fireplace going, and listen to some music and the rain.

If the combination of that doesn’t act as a grown up lullaby I’m not sure anything at all will…

I fully understand your desire to release “around the holiday season”.  However, your recent string of week over week drops has left me without time to beat one before putting the other in. However, 5 AAAA titles in less than one month is painful, not to mention the issues with the games as they’re being forced gold to hit a market time frame.

This was the game, of all the games released in this list, that I was most looking forward to. I was hooked on the first one and had heard a few rumors about this one that had me excited to see the story thorough.

I wasn’t that excited about the other playable characters. Catwoman is hot but she’s no Harley Quinn. I couldn’t care less about Robin or Nightwing. I wanted to go around and kick ass as the Dark Knight.  The game delivered, though I had to beat it over the course of a few days (which isn’t that big of a deal, I powered through Mass Effect 2 over a weekend) and try and prep for the next blockbuster to come out just a week later…

The most anticipated shooter in my book was Battlefield 3.  I am a pretty big Battlefield fan – I enjoy the tactical and team element to the game over the lone wolf rush/camp fest that is Call of Duty.

Disappointment from day one.  Server issues, lag issues, rubber banding, awful TDM spawns, and nerfed weapons. The release was a nightmare and the campaign failed to capture my interest. I figure, like every other Battlefield I can wait five months and have the patch cycles continue without me and then magically it becomes a favorite shooter again.

The 500 lb gorilla in the video game world drops two weeks after Battlefield 3. The game plays unlike any other Call of Duty game I’ve ever played. The maps are different, the game speed is incredibly fast, and the perk system is improved.  I haven’t touched single player yet and have played very little Spec-Ops.  I hate the fact that Spec-Ops horde mode is only two players. I also hate the way they’ve implemented the theater mode. Having said that, it’s living up to the multiplayer hype.

The great unknown in my gaming run. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was intriguing  to me but I never actually finished it. The pace was off to me. The concept of running and jumping updating my skills seemed a little too literal for my liking.

Given my time with Dragon Age:Origins and Dragon Age II plus Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas this seemed to be a game I’d enjoy.

So far, it’s beautiful. It’s faster than Oblivion in terms of getting into the action and into the main story but the next game on the list (that dropped today) has put Skyrim well on the back burner.

I’ve been a fan of Assassin’s Creed since the second game. The first game had sticky controls and clunky combat and I had a hard time enjoying the game because of the mechanical features.  However, when we meet Ezio.

The controls were improved and the story/time period was much more to my liking. The characters were likable and the story was engaging. My biggest complaint about the game is when it forces you to race or climb buildings in x amount of time.

You can’t help but like Ezio and grow with him in the games. The team outside the Animus, meh, I don’t have feelings for them one way or the other. Rumor has it the next Assassin’s Creed game will be based on them though so I hope they get some charm this game.

In retrospect, this (not quite a) month has been jam packed full of new and exciting stuff but it’s too much. I think the 100+ hours of Skyrim is what’s making this daunting.  My gaming habits really focus around multiplayer with my friends. Making time for single player games means forsaking time “hanging out” with my crew. I think Skyrim will officially be put on the back burner until the lull of gaming season starts sometime in February and BF3 won’t be touched until at least 3 more patches – I need time to get over the resentment I have for the opening week server debacle.

In the mean time – I’m looking forward to Bioshock Infinite the most. These other games, for the most part, have been great – but unless they announce (somehow) a Red Dead Redemption 2 – my sights are set squarely on Infinite.

Thanks to @JediMunchies for putting together a little montage of some of the finer Black Ops moments. Good stuff mate.