I’m not shy about talking about depression/anxiety, I think when someone is struggling with it it’s nice to reach out and let them know they may feel alone but they’re not alone in their suffering.
I try to keep it out of daily conversation and most blog posts though – I’ve attempted being an advocate in the past and you tend to get shot down in a very harsh way by people that know everything. This is true in both forms of interaction (in person/online).
I’ve encountered people that don’t believe in depression, they believe it’s a form of laziness, they think taking a deep breath and counting your blessings will make it all alright, etc.. -or- they believe in medication until you can’t feel.
I bring this up because today I had a fairly bad anxiety attack. Nothing out of the ordinary I just needed to run to Kohl’s for one item.
It started in the parking lot. I tend not to shop during peek hours, on weekends, or if there is a high chance that many people will be around. Today broke a few of those rules and the lack of room in the parking lot triggered a fairly negative response in my system.
Elevated heart rate, shortness of breathe, and overall sense that this would not go well.
I rode that wave until I parked and decided to say “fuck it, people shop here all the time, you’re not special, you can just go buy what you want and go home”
…this is not a normal through process for a lot of people, I get that. It’s part of what infuriates me so much, my body seems to betray my mind.
I go in and scope out my path (I try to take short direct routes to my destination to just get in and out – unless there is an empty aisle.. again, who the fuck does that?) and make my way back to the kitchen stuff.
I know exactly what I’m looking for (down the materials used and steel gauge) and what my comfortable price point is but none of what I’m looking for is right on the box so I have to go around feeling the pots and pans making sure they’re the right weight and construction.
I mean, how hard is it to print on the box “Tri-ply 18/10 stainless”, “safe to temperatures up to 500 degrees”, “these are the cooking surfaces that are acceptable to this cookware” and “handles are riveted”
Anyway, because I’m having to lift display models to see what I can find as far as balance, weight, construction, etc.. goes I start to feel like a freak and again heart rate goes up, blood pressure increases, I start breathing differently, and if it wouldn’t draw attention to myself I’d like to just melt into a puddle and ooze my way out the door.
Again the “why the fuck can’t you just be normal” thoughts started overcoming me and it makes it so much worse when your body is at war with your mind.
I finally just had to walk over to the baking dishes where no one was and pretend to be looking for something just to try and get my breathing proper.
I find a set a like but with no price and I don’t feel quite stable enough to ask anyone so I find a set that has a price and just grab it.
This again triggers such a negative response internally…
Now I’m walking from the back of the store to the front with this giant box on my shoulder and nobody wants to walk on the right side of the damn aisles so I’m having to play frogger and it feels like so much attention is on me I could just explode. I’m dodging strollers, people walking the wrong way, people side by side, shit in the middle of the aisle, and people stopped to talk in a group.
By this point I’m ready to just shut down. Too much chaos for me. Too much attention.
Goddamnit I need these pans though.
So I stand in line holding this box, 10 minutes later I get to the checkout lady. Bless her heart she wanted to talk to me about the Timbers game tonight (I’m wearing my Timbers shirt) and all I could offer back was “yes ma’am”, “no ma’am”, and “thank you ma’am” to any/all of her questions.
I get back to the truck and just want to sit a second to try and process and then I have people waiting for my spot and some fucking prick parked crooked next to me so I’m having to back out, pull in, back out, etc..
It’s a miserable fucking thing to me… to react with such a sense of stress over essentially.. nothing.
My head is splitting now, I’m still shaking, and I’m more pissed off at myself than ever.
I was thinking that back when I was a kid all I wanted was a normal family, I didn’t want to be the kid with divorced parents, pothead parents, or being raised by my grandparents who worked so I was the “latch key kid”. I just wanted to be normal.
Seems like I’m still searching – I just want to be a normal adult that can fucking buy pots and pans without nearly stroking out.