That’s a word I don’t use very often because I don’t have that mentality. Sure I can lose at something but I never let it defeat me. So you can imagine that it was a shock to me tonight when I got home and thought to myself “this place has defeated me… my best simply isn’t good enough”.
Hate that feeling.
I know it’s just lack of sleep, lack of free time, lack of companionship, and lack of relaxation. It feeds into a kind of depressed, anxious, and self loathing cycle. I’ve been putting weight back on and my sleep habits are worse than usual… and it’s not that everything is bad in life I’m just worn down. Work has finally defeated me. I’ve put so much time and effort.. seriously 25% of my life (8 years) has been with this company… but this last year out here in Portland has just sucked the life out of me. These last 9 weeks where projects are in perpetual motion but never get finished has really delivered a blow to my confidence in my ability to do this gig.
I don’t know what I can do that will snap me out of this, get a few wins maybe (at work and in life) and just let the pendulum swing back the other way I suppose.
So I’ll beg your forgiveness for my lack of presence lately, not returning calls or texts, not blowing up twitter, and not hanging out – I just feel like I’m under a mountain that I can’t move at the moment and I’m armed with only a teaspoon to dig myself out with.