I made a few surprising discoveries while I was in Tokyo. First, they’re racist and not shy about it. Second, they hate my feet. I know it seems funny for a W.A.S.P. to be talking racism, but it’s the truth. There are many places over there that are (and I quote) “Japanese Only”. Sure, they call it cultural but it’s just not something I’m used to. I mean, in Hong Kong, I was the outsider no doubt but never was I turned away from anything because I was not a native. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like 1920′s Alabama over there, there are some Japanese that are tolerant and some even friendly, but being told I can’t come into a bar or grab a bite to eat because I’m not a native struck me as odd and a little offensive – until I realized that I simply don’t care and I’ll go eat my beef and noodle bowl somewhere else.

It was serious business to those guys though, they’d come out with their arms crossed in an “X” across their chest saying “Japanese Only” or on one occasion “No Gaijin”. Gaijin means “alien” or “outsider” but is often used as a racial slur. I learned that while we were at a business dinner and too much sake was consumed and the man was harping on we Americans and told his very frank opinion on us gaijin taking their women out of the country. He implied we were like barbarians. Made me laugh because, well, holy shit, I’ve never ransacked a city nor have I taken a woman from her homeland but if I fell in love with a Japanese woman and she wanted to come to the states to live with me I wouldn’t feel one ounce of guilt, shame, remorse, or “giveafuck” what the Japanese culture as a whole thought of it. How very American of me, right?

Regardless of all that, I have fulfilled my dream of going to Tokyo. I’ve had this dream since I was about 14, so 15 years later isn’t too bad. I did discover though that they hate my feet. Shoes, it seems, are a big deal over there. Most places provide slippers that you change into but my size 13 feet (which are wide like a hobbits) just wouldn’t fit in *any* slippers they had. Even in the data center where it’s a multicultural facility that does global commerce and takes in visitors/clients from all over the globe didn’t have one set of slippers that would fit me. (It’s ok, most of them looked like leather crocs – and my feelings on those are not good)

In the data center I had to put shoe covers on like I was going to surgery. I tore three pair before I found one that would fit over my Dr. Martins. I also found out that they don’t like touching shoes, at least, not mine. When we’d go eat somewhere and have to take our shoes off, they had these little cubby holes to stuff your shoes in – like back in Kindergarten. Once again, they were all too narrow or short for my shoes to fit in – so I’d just leave them in front so I didn’t take up two slots – someone would see them there and go and try to fit mine in with the rest and you’d think they were picking up steaming dog turds – not that my shoes smell or are offensive, it was just the idea of them fucking with someones shoes that were not their own. After a few nights of the “Japanese Only” shtick I started not caring that they had to mess with my shoes, but that was me being American again.

I don’t mean to paint a totally negative picture but the culture reminds me of pre-civil rights America and some weird future where all the girls are as outlandish as possible with short skirts, wild ass hair, and laced in this feudal tradition where I felt like the Emperor himself would have me executed if I tried to flex nuts and go into a Japanese only establishment.

One of the better experiences I had was going into a Shinto temple. They were gracious with me as I performed some of the rituals (cleaning my hands and mouth with some holy water, tossing the coin in the prayer box,  the ritual of giving thanks to my ancestors) and I did see a wedding which was awesome. It still amazes me how bipolar one culture can seem with cutting edge everything from cars to electronics but to see something as simple and ceremonial as a wedding look as if it came from the 1502 AD.

All in all, I’m pleased that my line of work landed me in a place I’ve always wanted to go. I sampled some of the finest cuisine they had to offer (and truthfully hated most of it) and saw the whole of Tokyo. I was told next time to go to the south of Japan, Osaka specifically where they’re very “western friendly” and a little more laid back than the corporate laden Tokyo.  I do have a story about an evil toilet I battled with all week, but that’s another blog post.