I recently received an email from a dating site I was once a part of. Apparently I have an account and someone marked me as a “favorite” thus generating an automated email telling me so. Curiosity got the best of me and I went and looked, thus beginning my “virtual people watching”. I like to click and read who is matched with me and what they have to say.
“i only date men older then me 34+ and i just adore tall men 5’10 up”
“the picture I have is a good friend, not boyfriend, also I’ve lost 24 lbs, I enjoy shopping”
“It is imperative that my guy take care of his body and be at least 5’10. If you don’t fit the criteria, save us both time, and don’t write me trying to convince me otherwise”
“If you happen to be a Douchebag please keep on moving…”
“I don’t like most guys, but….. I am not interested in most guys” (Edit: I wish I was making that up)
“I also want a man who meets me and stays into me and doesn’t try to get with my friends…unfortunately, this has been a problem…”
“I do not want a man who is jobless stinky toothless lazy controlling”
“Please allow me to get to know the real you. I love a tall man! (yeahhhh) 6ft plus and I’m sold.”
“I’m easily impressed”
“420 all day everyday is a must.”
“Interests: Men”
“I still have a slight fear of clowns”
……there are about 300 more that women are looking for dudes that are 6’3″ and ripped making 100k a year, and will take care of their kids. 
This is like Jerry Springer – you’ve got two opposing forces – girls who are “just into guys – doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you can make them laugh” and girls who are into “best looking specimen of male species the world has to offer”.
One of the things that does not ever get mentioned except for “if you’re into sex, keep moving” (which is retarded, who ISN’T into sex? I get not wanting to get a little sloppy within 10 minutes – but damn girls, relax…) is the physical aspect of relationships. The guys try so hard to show how baller they are or how much they are just nice guys who have been burned. So I’ve decided to write the worlds most honest personal ad ever. Yep, right here, right now – things that totally break the mold.
Name: Keith
DOB: 12/28/79 (29 years old)
Location: Atlanta, Ga (North Burbs)
Drink: Socially
Smoke: Not Really, cigar a few times a year
Drugs: No
Headline: You’ll never see a more honest profile
Interests:
Xbox, work, computers, great food, great sex, travel, my dog, blogging, sports, dork hobbies (warhammer, board games you’ve never heard of, card games you’ve never heard of), cooking real food, ren fair, *con, music, movies, and hats.
About Me:
This is an online profile, I don’t expect it’ll lead to marriage though it’s happened to me before. I would prefer to get to know you a little before we jumped into the world of physically meeting – you see I’m mainly socially inept until the ice is broken and it’s easier to do over IM and emails. Gets some of the weird details out of the way.
What I’m Looking For:
Someone I consider attractive which varies from person to person so stop being so fucking hard on yourself. I also want someone mature enough to deal with the bullshit if you meet my family – the strange stories, the chain smoking, and my grandmothers. Please don’t ask questions about the family dynamic – it’s spread out and varied and we’ll get into that later on in conversation. In turn, I am a 100% gentleman and respectful of your family environment, no complaining and mostly helpful. Don’t volunteer me to fix your parents/friends/co-workers computer problems – I hate that shit. Bribe me with sex, that always works.
You have to work hard at whatever it is you do, a steady plan in life you’re actively working on to achieve maximum success. Floating back and forth between jobs at your age (which ideally is 26-32) is a sign of not knowing what you want to be when you grow up – and I only want grown ups.
You must not be into drugs or waking up drunk – big turn off. I don’t mind occasionally seeing you blitzed but it has to be right place/right time. Drunk women generally aren’t cute no matter what they think – so until we’re cool enough with each other that we can handle the sloppy drunk woman phase, better off keeping it to a 2-3 drink limit. I’ll do the same – you don’t need to see my “propeller dance” until you’re properly ready for it.
I am a Christian, it doesn’t mean I’m a saint. It doesn’t mean I’m holier than thou. It means I have a spiritual doctrine I try and live my life by. It also means I want you to be at least open to the idea – it helps when we both have common ground in arguments. Also, don’t look at me funny when I’m buying a bible as a gift as well as a book on erotic literature. People need both God and spice in their life.
Sex is important. It’s a big deal. Relationships don’t survive without it. It doesn’t have to be immediate, a trust factor is nice – but you must be a crazy freak. Life is too short for bad sex. If you are a dainty “lights off, bedroom only, man on top” kind of woman – there are men out there for you – I’m not one of them. I also respect boundaries – even if you’re a freak but just not into “xxx” – no pressure from me – boundaries are there for a reason. On the flip side, I will do my best to make sure you will never want another man. Trust me, I’ve got skills. You have to when you’re short and a computer geek because I don’t spit game very well. Also, if you’re into the uber-kink (fisting, etc..) please let me know ahead of time – springing the uber kink the first time we’re intimate freaks me out if you’ve given no other indication.
I dance poorly but if you’re into dancing, lets do it. Just be prepared to laugh a little – I’ll be doing the same.
I take competition very seriously – I don’t want to lose at anything I do – so if I’m yelling “GOTCHA BITCH” into my headset (xbox) – it’s a good thing and you shouldn’t be alarmed. You should congratulate me – I feed off complements and congratulations.
I have some trust issues – just the way it is. I’m working on them but you can only do so much on your own – be ready for a little hesitation on my part. Also, I can shut down in a blink of an eye. Call it a self defence mechanism. It doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I’m taking in what you’ve said and trying to process it. It does make for one sided conversation – so if it bothers you, remind me that I have words I can use. I attempt to apply my logic to everything – even emotions – where logic isn’t always necessary or appreciated.
If I’m doing something you don’t like – say something.
If you want to know anything about me – ask me. If you don’t believe me, I’ll provide references. There is no topic that’s off limits and that’s my best communication M.O. This way I don’t feel like I’m boring you with stuff you care nothing about.
After a period of time you’ll see me relax. Takes me a while to learn individual relationship rules but once I get the gist of the game I’ll play within those confines.
I hate chaos.
I hate drama.
I like being a White Knight. (see helping you out)
I like being a Musketeer (see RenFair)
I like a myriad of things that can infuse with just about anyone’s social circle – kayaking, hiking, movies, music (though intimate concerts I’m not a big fan of being packed in like a sardine), photography, writing, reading, etc.. I’m easy to show off to your family and friends. My credentials look good on paper.
I have done quite a bit in my life in a lot of arena’s – if you have a story about travelling Ireland and I come back with an adventure in Hong Kong, I’m not trying to upstage you – I’m trying to share with you in return for sharing with me.
I walk around with this weird look on my face that scares tiny ballerinas and people seem to think I’m angry – I’m not – I just don’t smile a lot. I bet if you try a little you can change that. I’m open to smiling, really.
I will look at porn, I will inquire about sex toys, and I’ll continue blogging about the subject…. if you want to do it with me, feel free. I’m not looking at porn as a replacement for what it is that you do (or will do) to me – sometimes I need pictures to illustrate my point…. better yet, you can be my photo subject to make my points.
I’m into sci-fi, sports, and video games – it doesn’t make me immature and it doesn’t mean that’s all I’m into – it’s simply what I like. Comes with the package.
I work long hours when necessary, it’s not because I don’t want to see you – sometimes life warrants it.
Most of my friends live very far away from me – I use technology to hang out with them. If I’m spending “Saturday night with the guys” and I’m at home on the xbox or computer – I haven’t lied to you. I’m gaming with my friends.
My family is pretty much crazy. I’m not kidding – you’ll hear some weird shit if you’re ever around them. Take it for what it is and don’t take it out on me either by pulling away or by assuming I’ll turn into that one day. This is doubly true for my North Carolina family – they’re weird but I love most of them and wouldn’t be who I am without them.
I like to people watch and I have a very snappy sense of humor. Much of it is based off movie lines or something – fear not, if you’re willing to put a little work in, you’ll be catching the jokes and joining in on the laugh. Bonus points if you know Han shot first, Event Horizon is terrifying, and agree that I’d be bad ass if I knew a gun kata. Also, Klaatu barada nikto.
Again if I’ve left anything else out personality wise, just ask.
Finally, yes I have a car, yes I have a job (and I’m really good at it), and if you’re a geek girl, you automatically get +10 points. Hoodies are optional as they have caused me trouble in the past 
-K
