Tonight I’ve done something I’d never done before.
I laid in a tanning bed.
So I’m going to ignore the back story and reason my short fat ass was in there, but suffice to say, I ended up there and wanted to try it.
The order of operations on the back of the door was something like this:
Hi – get naked, rub lotion on you, press the button, make sure you have your eyeball protectors on, relax, and wait for the machine to go off.
Alright.
Step 1 – I’m an expert at.
Step 1.5 - look for a blanket because that room was ball shiveringly cold. They failed to mention that one.
Step 2 – I sort of overdid it. I put lotion all over my body… I’m talking about inside my belly button, inside my ass cheeks, like 10 oz around the ‘twig and berries’ (didn’t want it to catch on fire or burn or anything), in between my toes, etc.. you get the picture. I was lathered up except for one spot on my back I couldn’t quite get. (more on this later)
Step 2.5 – Try not to slip – when the bottom of your feet have lotion -that floor becomes like ice. They failed to mention that one. I’m assuming they also failed to anticipate someone like me putting lotion on the bottom of my feet.
Step 3 – I pressed the secret combination of buttons that turns on the lights, closes the lid, and makes the AC blow my face off. I think one more button might have launched a nuke at Micronesia – I’m not sure.
Step 4 – I had these things called winkies, blinkies, or wankies – something. They looked like little teepee’s for my eyes. This should really have been step 3 – because when I pushed the button my entire world went blue. Also, the AC kept trying to blow them off my face. It was some weird trickery.
Step 5 – Relax. Yep. That’s exactly what I’ll do as I lay in a strange place, cold, naked, and covered in every crevice with a lotion that makes me smell rather feminine. I’m laying there trying to ponder how to keep my penis from catching on fire when this thing fully cranks up and the one spot on my back I didn’t hit with lotion that I was formulating escape plans as soon as the damn lid closed on me.
…. lets wait on Step 6 while I describe the 12 minutes in the box of light.
At first, I’m there, all slick and laying on this glass top. The world is bright but I have teepee’s on my eyes and a towel now over my face (and my penis – I’m not taking any chances of a blistered shaft – between the handful of lotion and the towel folded over 3 times – I wasn’t going down without a fight. I was also prepared to take the teepee’s off my eyes and McGuyver them into a “Peepee Teepee” of sort if I had to.
So, where were we? Me, slick, blinded by the light, and wondering how light bulbs are going to darken me. Then it occurs to me – my ass cheeks feel like they’re being prodded with a torch. How could this be? I had 3oz of lotion on my ass – that should be the least part getting hot. It, at that very moment, hit me – I had an ‘unprotected’ spot on my back. So I begin immediately having invisible sex on that thing arching my hips and back to make sure that my non-slick spot on my back doesn’t stick to the glass like a seared piece of salmon.
Lets let your mind take full inventory of this visual – hang on because it’s a bit messy.
Naked Keith laying in a tube of lights with shiny gold teepee’s on his eyes. A towel over his face and junk – thrusting his hips upward in a rhythmic motion – covered in lotion that’s making him slide back and forth a little every time his bright red on fire ass hits the glass table top of tanning doom.
…. finally I’d convinced myself I’d gyrated enough. If I was going to stick – then so be it.
Then I heard it.
“CLICK”
At first I couldn’t tell if someone had come in the room to witness my invisible UV sex or if the machine had just locked and was going to devour me like the Event Horizon. Then it hit me – this burst of heat that was not there before.
What to do? More invisible sex? Turn over to a side? Negative – lights were all around me. Panic and remove the eyeball teepee’s to find the big red button? Nope.
I prayed.
Yes – I prayed that Jesus would save me from whatever doom I’d just paid $40 to endure.
As the heat intensified I hear another “CLICK” and the damn thing gets hotter again. Logic kicks in.
I finish my prayer by apologizing to Jesus for interrupting him over something stupid like a tanning bed eating me – and started to think about the things that I knew about my surroundings.
The lady had mention that the lights on this bed rotate for a more even tan.
I was guessing that the lights were at that moment doing just what she said – and by an even tan she meant pouring the fires of hell all over my body. I assumed this was normal that hell fire be included in this trip – how else can lights make you darker?
So – now that I’m calm and feeling like I’m bathing on the sun – and have closed my eyes to start to enjoy the contrast in heat and AC blowing right on my head – the damn thing cuts off.
Step 6 had arrived.
My time was up.
It dawned on me at that moment – the thought that calmed me down was this
“Why is my body hot but the glass top on this thing still cool to the touch”.
I did fake Keith science to calm down.
I also realized that the lid was up, the room was freezing, and I had no clothes on – and I’m sliding more than ever.
I got up and saw a pool of sweat and lotion – I used the towel to dry off a little and got dressed as quickly as I could. I offered the lady at the counter a once over on the thing to at least clean up the wet mess but she assured me that sweat on the thing was normal and she’d handle it.
She complemented me on the color I’d gotten.
…that made me want to come back 
So I shared my entire tale, minus the praying for my life, with a tanning bed vet. I found out the lotion wasn’t to save you from the tanning bed – it was to help you tan by making you moist. I also found out that there is no benefit to over doing it on places that won’t get tan anyways.
I itched like I’d just shaved my chest afterward – but it’s finally stopped.
My skin still is a little warm to the touch.
So all in all – not a bad experience. Now that I know what to expect – I think if I go back I’ll be a little more ready with the eyeball teepee’s and penis towel – and know how to conduct myself in a tanning bed – which means no invisible greased up sex to keep me from sticking like pan seared tuna.
./end
-K
