I get off work at 7 tonight and embark on my journey home. As usual it takes me an hour to get home. When I open the door I see trash all over the floor and Leo hauls 170 pounds of ass right by me into the front yard. 2 and 2 come together REAL quick – and he’s got some explosive diarrhea going on. Guns of the Navarone style – no squat – just looking like some one put a shit bottle rocket up his ass.
Great – what could he have eaten and then, then I see it. Oreos – an entire bag of them.
So I call up my local friendly animal specialist and read the ingredients of the Oreos – and nothing fatal. Not the kind of chocolate that can kill dogs – at least not dogs the size of mine. So after a very loud “BAD DOG GO LAY DOWN” and a mild heart attack thinking he was going to die – I notice the raw spot on his tail that he’s chewed. So I find some A&D ointment and fight him a little to let me apply it to his wound.
I was told to shave the area – he was not liking that a bit. It took me forever to get him in the bathroom – and as soon as I turned the clippers on he was trying to battering ram his way out of the bathroom. He was not amused – I guess after the diarrhea, the “bad dog”, and me getting ointment on his ass – he thought I was going to chainsaw him or something. I guess I’d panic too if I was pinned on the bathroom floor and something vibrating and loud was heading straight for my ass.
Fast forward an hour – I’ve cooked him white rice to eat, mixed a little peanut butter, a hand full of dry kibble – and then.. it happens. After I fix the food, I set it on the bar to cool – I pop down on the couch and pull up espn.com. So I get done reading and figure the food has cooled enough to eat – as soon as I move the laptop he decides it’s a WONDERFUL opportunity to jump up on my lap and visit me… only his left paw comes right down on my crotch.. .full weight and no protection on my part.
A stabbing pain, stars, and a violent exhale later – he realized he hurt me – I’m assuming by my wheeze – and gets off me and licks me in the face.
Of course, I had to tell Robert – Karma finally caught up with me for the ladle incident all those years ago.
Fate is a cruel bitch named Leo the Mastiff sometimes 
-K
