While in Japan I had my first ever experience with what I’ve come to call the “Robo-Loo”. Much like everything else there, it was very much shorter than the standard toilets I’m used to but it was beige, felt plastic (not porcelain), and had a control panel on the side with symbols – not the kind that tell you “danger” or “push to summon Godzilla” just kanji. I knew this was going to be a spiteful hate filled relationship the moment I laid eyes on it.
When nature finally called (and after that food and water, it was a violent call to arms) I rise from my hotel bed and go and have a seat. I stood back up and almost pulled a Tabby[1]. When I sat down a grinding noise happened, vibrations shot through my butt cheeks, and water started to flow into the bowl. No one warned me that I’d be getting an ass massage. I’m pretty military about that business – it’s in, out, done, all in less than 2 minutes. No use in hanging out in bathrooms when I could be doing something else. It’s not a time for me to relax, read a book, phone a friend, play games on my blackberry, or do anything but produce waste, clean myself, wash my hands, and leave. Done and done – and this was complicating things.
After a few seconds when the vibrations stopped my ass started to get hot… pet peeve number two (ha, pun) is I hate (as much as wet socks) having a warm toilet seat. It makes me feel like some ass has recently been there and the germs are still fresh. I don’t know – it’s just weird. So now this plastic toilet that just shook my ass is trying to heat it. I’m not pleased, but even for me 15 seconds isn’t enough – so I endure.
Fast forward 90 seconds and I’m done, I go to get up but see an interesting button that to me was “off” – like “turn off all weird J-Toilet functions and just leave me alone” – it was not. It was “shoot a jet of water in my ass and watch me act like a cat who has just been hit with a squirt gun. Allow me to set the scene. This bathroom is tiny – I can walk in the door (which is up a step) and it’s like walking into a camper bathroom – everything is premolded and plastic – my arms (and I’m only 5’8″) can touch from wall to wall in both directions – it was claustrophobic at best. What happens to me? Well as this jet of luke warm water hits my cheeks and I stand up like I’m being attacked by a tentacle monster (which in my mind isn’t far fetched in Japan) and start to stumble forward with my boxers around my ankles I trip out of the door and catch myself on the wall with a very loud “THUD”. I’m trying to diagnose what happened (after all, it’s after 11:00 at night and my body is out of whack from the time zone changes – I was exhausted) to me – my phone rings. I haven’t yet finished the process (though my ass was wet) so I waddled over to the phone (why didn’t I take the boxers off? Who knows) and in very broken English the night attendant in the lobby wanted to know if everything was alright.
How the hell would she know if something was amiss? My first though – toilet cam. I was having a mild stroke that this lady just watched what happened from a very weird angle. Turns out she said someone (I’m assuming the neighboring room) called and was concerned because of a loud sudden noise.
I wanted to explain to her about the jet of water on my ass and how it startled me and that I tripped over my own undergarment and nearly fell through the wall because I didn’t have enough room to catch my balance. I didn’t. I said I over packed my suitcase and had it in the top of the closet and it slipped when I tried to pull it down. No way in hell I was going to tell her the truth that I’m still there naked (except for my ankles), unclean, embarrassed, and angry at Robo-Loo for being a dick. Once she believed me (or didn’t – she just wanted to make sure there was no dead gaijin in her room) and let me off the phone I had to go finish.
Wet toilet paper is fucking awful, just fyi.
I go to flush and the water only trickles. Great. I’m fucking OCD about flushed toilets. None of this “yellow let it mellow” shit (ha, pun) – it’s waste and needs to be gone. After 3 minutes of repeated flush attempts I feel the handle start to gain resistance after each flush – I have to pump it like a well handle to get enough water in and the “big suck” (no whirl, just suck) to make everything go away (except my wounded pride and moist ass). Apparently, after some subtle investigations – you have to sit on the pot long enough for the proper water to trickle in – apparently I was on long enough for a woman to 1/2 way pee or something, else you have to manually load the water.
So I never did push any of the other 11 buttons – I’m sure one summoned a real tentacle monster and one would summon Pedobear to go loli hunting – so I didn’t bother – but I did end up sitting on the toilet (that warm plastic vibrating bastard) so that the water would go to appropriate levels.
Seriously Japan, first it’s my feet – then it’s my ass… why couldn’t you just hate my face and make me wear a wrestlers mask or something?


